booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
