her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
