i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
