My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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