i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
