I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
