remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
