Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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