thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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