if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Randomize
