Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
