you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
