i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
