Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
