There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
