I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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