You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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