Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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