You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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