im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My cat gives me a boner
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
