I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I believe in your delicious
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
