you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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