Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
