did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
