Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
