I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just had sex on a roof
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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