Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
