May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
