I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
