i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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