The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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