If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
