Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
