Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
