I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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