I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
