OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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