Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
