I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
