I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
