My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
