Im at strip club and am horny
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
