Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
His nipple licking is glorious
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