i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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