My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
