i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
