I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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