you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
