I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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