Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
