I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
